LDS Enter-torture

I know, I know, it's Super Bowl week. But I personally can't find any interest in this game. I know the Patriots are in pursuit of an unprecedented perfect 19-0, but the only player I like on the Patriots is linebacker Adalius Thomas (and that's mainly because he was such a nice guy in the Ravens locker room during the 2003 season when I interned there.)

I can't stand the Giants, but I actually hope the Patriots lose (read Chuck Klosterman on ESPN.com) by a missed field-goal just like Scott Norwood did with the Bills in 1991, because they were too stubborn to re-sign their MVP kicker Adam Vinatieri two years ago. I want their arrogance of not taking care of their own to bite them in the a$$.

Anyway, those are my only thoughts on the Big Game. In fact, I may just end up going to a fireside instead because that might be more entertaining. Which is a good segue for my article about Mormon entertainment.

First off, there is real, sanctioned Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints entertainment, which in and of itself has a high unintentional comedy factor. Classics like "Johnny Lingo," "The Phone Call," and even "Legacy" provide a lot of laughable scenes even though the movies were intended to be taken seriously. I dunno if the people who made these films were trying to make a statement, or maybe they were just that oblivious to the fact over the overall cheeseiness was off the charts. Or maybe the passing of time did it.

But then something weird started happening around the turn of the millennium. I dunno if Utah and LDS parents really wanted a change in 'uplifting' and clean forms of entertainment for their children; or if 5 million church members in the United States formed such a broad market that profit could be made with a small movie budget.

It started in the early 90s by a company called Feature Films for Families that made really crappy movies aimed at the under 17 Mormon/Christian crowd that produced unforgettable turds like "The Buttercream Gang" and others. But this notion must have gained enough steam to want to try more.

Toward the end of the '90s, editing violence, boobs and swearing out of Hollywood's rated "R" and "PG-13" movies was huge (until legal action after "Titanic" forced this practice to stop). I remember waiting hours in line at the Varsity Theatre my freshman year at BYU so that I could watch a "clean" version of "Air Force One" and not feel as guilty as if I saw the real rated "R" version with a little more violence and the choice swear worlds removed for the new bleeped-out script.

Then just as I returned home from my mission in 2000, the new Mormon movie "God's Army" created steam as an independent film released all over the Western U.S. This film was actually pretty successful (thanks in part to the 100,000-plus people who had recently served missions) and gave us sequels like the 'thriller' "Brigham City" and others.

Then Halestorm Entertaiment released the popular LDS comedy "The Singles Ward" which had an instant audience of over 300 student wards in Utah and the hundreds of other young Mormon singles across the country, including those who had recently 'graduated' from the singles scene. Note: This is the only LDS movie that I could ever consider watching more than once.

But the audience wasn't quite large enough to hold up with movie theaters and their demands for normal Hollywood productions. Screenings were limited and the movies didn't generate enough revenue (on ticket prices and popcorn) to keep sending them through Cinemark. Halestorm's follow up movie "The RM" didn't do nearly as well as "The Singles Ward" and production costs were too high for the minimal profits rendered.

Lesson learned: The producers could still make a profit by lowering the production budget (thus even worse production), advertising locally and sending the movie straight to DVD at Wal-Marts throughout the state with a $19.99 price tag. If enough straight-to-DVD copies make a profit, producers could still make their mortage payments.

Last Sunday, I was spending time with my family with young nieces and nephews, and since it was the Sabbath, the only 'wholesome' entertainment that we chose to watch was a new 'Mormon' movie (I use quote because the there is actually no Church affiliation with this title). So they popped in the newly released "Turn Around: A movie based on the conversion of Alma the Younger" The story of Alma the Younger comes from The Book of Mormon. Yippee! (not)

The production was absolutely terrible! The acting was absolutely atrocious! I deduce the budget was probably around $1,500. I bet the actors were paid in Hogi Yogi sandwiches. I understand the main actors were probably only 15, but that's no excuse. It was absolutely unwatchable! It was contrived and forced. I've seen better production out of a ward musical. Before the movie could finish, I stood up, left and drove the 40 miles home because I couldn't stomach it anymore.

So parents, please, if you want to censor what your children watch, that's fine. There are plenty of "Rudys," "Napoleon Dynamites," "Cars" and other animated features to purchase.

I know that "R" rated movies are even worse today that they were even 10 years ago. But please, do not support such terribly produced movies just because they don't come from Hollywood. I know that kids don't know the difference between good and bad production, just look at Tim Allen's "Santa Claus" movies.

In case you don't remember, the top grossing movies of all-time are PG movies like "E.T." and others. Why? Because larger audiences can bring their entire family to the theaters. Hollywood knows this. There are enough Christians with family values in the country to keep Disney the behemoth that it already is. Good stuff will come.

Do not support these profit-hungry producers because of our religious beliefs, so that they can continue to drive their Hummers. It makes you no better than the televangelists that "Fletch Lives" portrays!

I know you live in Utah County! I know it's based loosely on a story from the scriptures! But it's garbage! It's nearly as bad as the filth you're already trying to avoid! You're not supporting any budding stars. Only Jon Heder made it out as Napoleon Dynamite, and he was never in a 'Mormon' movie! They were just lucky that MTV liked Jared Hess's film enough to buy it and promote it.

I would rather pay the $8 and sit alone for two hours and NOT watch another one of these movies... ever...